Angel Loss/ Angel Availability

Recently I was given a gift, a ticket to travel to my-self. The travel opportunity came through an encounter with another and the natural connection we shared. Our willing and mutual openness allowed our journey to begin. Our connection allowed a permission to explore places in myself that have been in shadow and closed for awhile.

As the road weaved in, and bumps emerged, I once again discovered, when I am triggered by my lover; it is easier to stay in the defended self, who is fueled by old hurts and beliefs, rather than venture into vulnerable un-knowingness. When I can stay present and open undefended toward the uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings that rise inside, great opportunity waits, and I am carried into the unknown. It is here the alchemy of change grows as gold. If, instead I choose to stay vulnerable to longing for or wanting the other, rather than dealing with what is emotionally present at the moment, and choose to hide behind old defenses, ignited by old insecurities; this posture only leads to maintaining an old self and will not release me from the old bondage of closing doors. If I can hold the tension and move into the unknowable void, I become receptive! After all, how can I receive in the midst of so much filtering? Is it more devastating to hold onto old beliefs or release into the unknown? And who will I be without feeding the old perceptions? And how do I really know what I want if I am still seeing and holding onto the lenses of the old beliefs I have adopted as truth?

I found myself engaged in the reality of dealing with loss at the onset of a relationship that I thought was leading toward an exploration into romantic physical connection. The relationship was too quickly re-negotiated into friendship. Nothing wrong with friendship, however the longing for more intimate connection was clearly ignited and there were many feelings to face. I couldn’t move forward or back. I was called to sit in the feeling awareness the moment provided: in sadness, grief, and the pain of loss. I was in overwhelm and not understanding how I was going to navigate through this emotionally heightened terrain. I find stillness in these cases the best action and mindless T.V.

Here's my discovery, when we hide something from another we are in relationship with because of our fear of exposure, ironically we design our reality through what we are keeping secret. There are always good reasons to hide: shame, embarrassment, lack, not good enough, not worthy, undeserving, or, ‘if the person sees this what will they think’, the old Marx brothers ‘who would want to be a member of my team’… attitude. We essentially are feeding what we are hiding. By 'covering' we actually feed the feeling, the thought, the desire, which we are unwilling to bring to light. So the perceived protective feeling is fed by protecting the old feelings. This old material that we are protecting so beautifully, also becomes the filter through which we assess our present situation. The very feeling we do not want to deal with, is what we are forming our reality with! We are hiding the secret that hurts us most, which of course we have adopted as great truth or justification. Sometimes, we order our reality in order to keep feeding the un-wanted belief or feeling. We turn ourselves inside out and become what we think, intuit, and feel the other may want, to protect the other from knowing us, which further distracts us from the very thing we are unwilling to deal with. Or we may choose a partner who has parallel fears/beliefs. Now the game becomes even more interesting. The unspoken contract here is, ‘I’ll allow you to project onto me your hurts and I’ll adopt them as my own so neither of us will have to deal with truth’ and experience vulnerability. We unconsciously form around what 'shouldn't be' and what the 'other' wants, and the disowned pieces of self remain hidden behind the projections ... a complicated and very engaging game that only gets more convoluted as it plays out. We go to great lengths of not dealing with what is. We are so tricky. When we finally have the courage to see our own projection or the hidden inadequacy or insecurity, or owned projections of the other, we say hello to ourselves. It is my experience through my own journey and witnessing the unveilings of those I work with, that we bury and buy so much that we really don't want. Because we think that is the right thing to do or we’ll be liked, or we’ll be safe, etc.
Leonard Cohen says:
"I know I said I’d meet you, I'd meet you at the store, but I can't buy it, baby. I can't buy it anymore..."

The most amazing thing is to look at what we've bought.
All of it...and have the courage to say, this is what I thought was mine, this is what I’ve adopted as mine, and this is what I am willing to leave and this is what I am willing to hold onto….


Some of the questions I ask myself when I’m triggered and journeying through the muck of self un-ravel, which takes me into the delicious land of void, are:

What emotions and feelings am I screaming thru, i.e. what is really mine? What are the fears associated with the screaming?
How old is the one inside that has been triggered? What is not being met?
What am I afraid to admit?
(This is what is hardest to give voice to)
What is my passion?
What are the beliefs that have served in the past that no longer serve and whom was I serving with the old belief in the first place?
How are these beliefs fed?
What would I like to explore that I haven't yet?
What is still in place and keeping me from that exploration?
What are the secrets I have been keeping from myself out of fear or justification? Am I willing to step into the light? How is fear protecting me? What walls have I built around false beliefs that will come tumbling down if I no longer feed them!

What I am discovering is, when I have the courage, and allow myself transport out of my comfort zone with another, risking openness, instead of hiding, I become more available to myself.

This is the gift that relationship brings.

Healing and Availability...(to self, to other, and to the
relationship)

I am grateful for the grace that has come my way through connection with another.
This exploration has allowed a layer of crust to come off my heart. Relationship is a journey of heart. My heart is more available to proceed unguarded and open with those I choose to connect with in the future. And this is a gift!