New Angel

Why am I angry about my friend who suffered for 16 or 17 months with tumors growing in his brain dying yesterday?
He is released.
And his loving partner, who cared for him, and who has been tempered and honed through this daunting and overwhelming experience in unimaginable ways, is also released. Why is anger the overwhelming emotion here?

I am angry at the thought of them not having more time together.
I am angry for myself at the realization of all the time I have wasted in un-loving.
I am angry at spirit for taking the good ones.
I am angry that I will have to grieve and experience loss yet once again…

I feel cracked open. This is grace.

For me grief is the hardest emotion.
Can do anger.
Can do sadness.
Can do joy.
Can do happy.
Can do grateful...
I defend against grief. My belief is there is so much to grieve these days.
And if I truly felt and experienced all we do that insights loss and add personal loss to the mix, i.e. the loss of relationships changing, friends, family and pets dying…well I’d melt away into…. Something.
My hope is I can grieve well so the mistakes I have made by avoiding or holding my grief at bay, will not be reconstituted into the world.


It is my experience shock can shake us into new awareness.
If we are lucky enough not to defend against the current, the wave of awe or awe-full, opportunity awaits.
Covered places become available.
We have a moment to arrange differently.
The face that was hidden behind the behind of learned response or favored emotion emerges thru the shadow.
The gift of essential honesty becomes available, feeling like compressed light thru a pinhole.

The filtering emotion lies down like a sword placed at a battle not worth fighting...
Now, choice beyond belief, can be seen.
I sit with this.
Today I welcome a new angel into the world.
I dreamt of my friend, who dyed yesterday, last night.
His face was on a large poster for the world to see.
In the large photograph his eyes shown.
And I heard him whisper... tell M. I'm Ok and I love her.
In the end isn't that what we all want to know...
That we're OK and that we love, are loved, and have loved...